When I first started going out to get girls, I failed.

I failed hard, I failed miserably. Attraction? Forget it! Just going up to the girl, saying anything, was enough to have me shaking like a leaf. I went through about 50 approaches, scared like a deer in the headlights, shaking, voice cracking. Then I started to get numbers, but they all flaked on me. I couldn’t understand why I went wrong, I was in despair and quitting was so tempting, just to put an end to this pain. I went out into the night on my own, feeling that cold loneliness, that emptiness inside my chest. Despite my best efforts at the time, my mind became engulfed by darkness, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. To even the most positive of guys, approaching women can be one of the most daunting and paralyzing prospects before you, when you don’t yet have the warmth and companionship of a single girl.

I felt like an absolute loser, going out alone in my best clothes, trying to just have one girl like me. I felt so empty and cold inside, when I had no one. If I could just get one, this whole process would be so much easier. Why? Simple:

Companionship, love, sex and intimacy gives warmth and light like nothing else.

When you go out into the night and you don’t have a girl to hold, to come home to, to stroke your hair, to kiss, to have sex with, your ’survival machine’ is giving you these negative emotions – loneliness, emptiness, darkness – in order for you to strive for the light at the end of the tunnel. When you do get companionship, love, sex and intimacy, your ’survival machine’ is rewarded with correspondingly positive emotions. It is no coincidence that the very emotions (loneliness, darkness) which motivates us to seek the warmest emotions (love, intimacy), are both the most painful and pleasurable emotions our ’survival machine’ can possibly feel. When we have no love, loneliness (a form of pain) kicks in and we seek companionship and love (pleasure). This makes complete sense, yet there is, at the same time, a grave disadvantage of this seemingly helpful negative emotion: Girls can sense it, and this is detrimental to our social interactions with women unless we can hide our unhappiness. You may be asking yourself, if our ’surival machines’ have been ‘perfected’ over millennia of evolution, how come they don’t work in our best interests and feed us with positivity when we meet women? Since our ’survival machines’ have evolved only to give us the highest statistical chance of survival, as possible, our emotions serve only as a guidance system, not the universal truth. In other words, your emotions are not perfect, far from it. Think about it: If we felt pleasure when we have no women, we would not be motivated to change anything in our lives, thus the pain makes sense even though it can often work against you.

Herein lies the greatest paradox any lonely, forlorn man must overcome, in order to attract and seduce women. Women are attracted to men who already have women. If you don’t have at least one woman, unless you get lucky via your social circle, you will find it very hard to do cold approach, for a certain amount of ‘performance’ is required: Nature wants to weed you out and the odds of your getting a mate are slimmer by the day. That’s why, if you do manage to hook up with one girl, build comfort with her and make it into a relationship (i.e. regular sex and intimacy). Keep going out to pick up other women. If you have moral qualms about this, I would refer you to The Selfish Gene, by Richard Dawkins. The smile on your face, the cocky, jovial, positive attitude, a certain ‘warmth’ in your behavior, and the consequent strength of frame when a woman throws her congruence tests at you to see whether you really do have women – all these ‘tips’ are so easy to read and understand, yet painstakingly difficult to apply in field, where it is real, emotional and cutthroat. You would be surprised to find out the efficiency and accuracy with which a woman’s ’survival machine’ has evolved to filter out the losers from the winners.

So, how do we overcome this paradox? Unfortunately, there is no magic pill or quick fix for this paradox which has condemned masses of lonely men into lifetimes of involuntary celibacy. However, if you first and foremost stay on your path despite the lonely nights, rejection, devalidation, worry and inner hopelessness, you are almost certain to succeed eventually. The supply of women in our modern world is, in practical terms, infinite, so there is no need to worry about running out of girls if you get rejected by a few. Learn from your mistakes every time you go out, and pick up positive reference points to guide you for future nights. Progress is slow, sometimes not even apparent, but if you keep approaching, talking to women, pushing yourself as far as you can go, accepting this so excruciating pain and darkness as part of your personal growth, you are going to improve until one day, everything goes right. It is all in raw persistence, going on despite bad feelings, despite lack of success. If this is what you truly want, realise that this is all or nothing: You are either going to die alone or you are going to live in abundance of beautiful women. The choice is yours, and it begins with stepping out of the house.

Love,
James